For the few of you who read my blog you would have noticed that I have not written anything for a while. This has been due to many reasons. The first is that so much happens each day that it is almost too overwhelming to think over everything and then pick out only the most interesting parts. The idea of this blog was never to put EVERYTHING on it. I simply wanted my family and friends to be able to go online (wherever they may be) and read about what I am doing. Well, the first thing you should know is that I am doing very well. I love this city and all that it has to offer. One could say that I am taking complete advantage of this experience. The next think one should know is that over this past month I have been going through lots of changes. I was not really in the right place to write on my blog, because I needed to work things out with myself first. Every time I began to write, it sounded like a diary, but an over emotional and complete waste of time to anyone who would be reading it.
I moved schools about a month ago. I am now attending a full time language school. It is going really well. My German is improving immensely. All the people in my class come from all over the world. That is one thing that I was not exposed to growing up in Santa Barbara, but now I am making friends from different parts of the world (some places I have never heard of). This is defiantly one of my favorite things about Berlin.
My cousin has decided to move to Freiburg. I have been trying to decide whether I am going to stay in Berlin or go with her. Let me just add that Freiburg in on the completely other side of Germany. Freiburg is somewhere someone would move in order to escape from Berlin. Now, I am not trying to escape from Berlin…at all actually, but I have decided to go. No matter how hard I try to explain why, I just cant, but all I know is that it feels right. I suppose that’s a reason within itself. I love Berlin and Germany, I am not sure I ever really want to leave, but I guess I think of it as that I have already taken a big jump by leaving my cozy little community in SB and so I might as well just embrace every opportunity I am offered. And, just because I leave now does not mean that I wouldn’t be able to return. Freiburg to me is just another part of the adventure; and it is so much different than Berlin, but change is what gives one experience and further knowledge . So, now that I have figured things out myself I am able to explain it to those of you are reading my blog, so that you are able to have a clear understanding of what I am experiencing and overcoming.

A small summary of my 2 weeks in the Czech Republic

Where, oh where do I begin. I suppose the place to start is the beginning?
Keeping it short.
The theme of the trip was land surveying. "Land surveying is the technique and science of accurately determining the terrestrial or three-dimensional position of points and the distances and angles between them. These points are usually on the surface of the Earth, and they are often used to establish land maps and boundaries for ownership or governmental purposes." To be completely honest I still don't know why in the world we needed to learn how to do that, but that's school for you. We also did a lot of hiking. All day 8-12 hour hikes. The food was shit, the showers were horrible, but I was surrounded by great people that made the trip go by quite quickly.
The first few days where gray and wet, but the rest of the trip was bright and sunny. Although the work itself was not particularly enjoyable the views where extremely distracting. The air was fresh and I was able to spend hours and hours atop beautiful grassy, green hills. At the end of each day I would come back tired, with wet leather boots, warm, but with red, ice cold cheeks. Not sun kissed, but, fresh, wet wind kissed.
The sunsets where to stunning to be real. I felt like I was in another world. Most days I didn't see anyone except the people in my class, which made it seem like we were the only people in the world. Enchanting views and wide open spaces. For 2 weeks my eyes saw fresh green and grey/ blue skies. Bonding, bright and faded colors, learning, growing, withstanding great change and physical chalenges.
Another great experience.

Septemeber 3rd, 2010 (How to become friends with a city...a seemingly impossible misson)

I feel like a lot of new stuff should have happened since last time I posted, but actually not that much has happened. School has officially started though. Wow, its been pretty crazy, good crazy. Everyone has been super nice and welcoming that it almost feels like home. I don't think that it will ever feel like Santa Barbara, but I still enjoy it.
When I first came here I had this idea that after a few weeks Berlin would start to feel like my hometown. When I talk to people at my school they all seem very proud to be Berliners. When I first arrived I wished that I was just like them. That I was raised here, that I spoke the language perfectly, that I knew all these short cuts and cool facts about the city. I came here thinking "yeah yeah yeah this is my city now bitchesss."The truth of the matter is that I am a guest. I am learning new things everyday and I am lucky to be surrounded by people that are willing to show me where they grew up. It is a very personal thing. I did not grow up in Germany, more specifically in Berlin. All the people that were raised here will always have a certain connection with it that I will not. I think of Berlin as a person, someone that I am just meeting for the first time. It would be rude for me to get involved in its personal business without getting to know it first. Even though it's a place, not a person I think that it still needs to be treated with respect. It takes time to build a relationship with a person, so why wouldn't it take time to build a relationship with a city? I can't just show up here expecting to know everything. If I make a good first impression, if I keep an open mind and appreciate all that it has to offer then Berlin will treat me the same. So here I am, a truly grateful girl. I think that we are becoming friends.

Goodbye Summer

So. My family has decided that they are going to back to Santa Barbara. Over these last 3 1/2 weeks I have fallen back in love with having my them around. It has been kinda strange not having phone in my hand every second and just calling a friend and hanging out. But, I have re-realized that they will always be there for me and that playing weird shooting games with my brother can make my day…. Unforgettable. I am going to miss my little brother so much, and as I grow older I appreciate my mom more and more. My sister is a pain the ass, but I love her to. I have gotten so much closer to my family and I am happy that I got to have 3 1/2 weeks with them before they go back home. In a way I am jealous that they have plane tickets just waiting for them, but this is my home now, well at least for the year. I am ready for the year to begin so that I can have fun and enjoy it and then I can go back to SB. Everything has worked out pretty well. Each day has been beautiful and there is something new to see everyday. So...summer, thank you so much. It has been great. Not the easiest and carefree summer, but it is one I will remember forever. It was filled with everything that I could have ever asked for. It was so great that it was painful, because I knew that it would have to end. Next summer is waiting.

Random Thoughts and Ideas

Here in Germany I feel alone sometimes, but I have been spending so much time just thinking. I really like it actually. I don't have all of my friends here which is hard, but there is something about being here that is really comforting. It feels like home. I love exploring the city and I love traveling. I wouldnt be able to enjoy it as much if I didn't trust in the relationships I have with my friends and family. Things do change in a year, but if a friendship is real then why should't it last regardless of where the other person is?
I have so many AMAZING memories from Santa Barbara, but I love thinking about all of the great memories I am going to make here. I miss it already, but I am going to embrace this experience. When I get back to SB next summer I am going to so happy. I am going to be ready to go back and have my summer there and start another adventure. I will right again soon, but for now I gotta go make some memories.

Music 8-15-10

When I left SB I started to get sick and I have had this werid cold thing since then. I havent been able to sing. I thought that I was going to die. I need to sing. I love to sing. It makes me feel safe and happy when nobody and nothing can. I was so sad that I just started playing guitar for hours to make up for it. It didn't really end up helping. It made things worse because when I played all I wanted to do was sing along. I heard the sound of my voice in my head and when I tryed to sing all that came out was this horrible squeeky sound. It made so frusterated that I couldnt play guitar either because I would just get angry and then be in a a bad mood for the rest of the day.
After the first week I decided that I was going to stop trying to sing because I was probably making things worse. So, as soon as I woke up I would suck on about 5 throat drops, drink 2 cups of tea and then I would stand up perfectly straight and I would try to sing... nope not even close. This just made me even more frusterated, but my mom kept telling me that I need to be patient. Every morning for about 5 days I would wake up and do the same thing.
Whenever I would go out I walked down the street and my lips would be moving and I would be dancing all over the place. I am sure that people thought I was talking to myself, but I have gotten used to people thinking that I am crazy by now, so I didn't mind. Music makes me feel so alive, happy and confident. It's something I am intensly passionate about. . Music is an adventure, an adventure that holds all different doors, not locked doors, but doors that will swing right open if one chooses to open them. I always count on it to make me feel better and I am not afraid that it will leave me. I trust it. I know that it will always be there because we can make it whenever we want
This morning I woke up and my voice was back. I was so happy I couldn't stop singing. I spent hours sitting and playing my guitar. I brought it to the table so that I could play while eating breakfast, I brought it in the car and I tryed to bring it out to lunch but my mom wouldn't let me. It was a day I will remember for a very long time.

Suday 8-8-10 "Massiere deinen hintern"

This morning my mom woke me up at 9:00 am and asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with Katjas friend that lives next store. I had a pretty rough night. I stayed up until 2:00 am drawing and reading. The last few days I have been going to bed in the middle of the night and waking up in the middle of the day. I am pretty sure that, that is not helping adjust...at all. I was actually relieved when my mom woke me up because I have been dying to get out of the house before 2:30 pm. When we got to the gym I decided to look around. Bad idea. I ended up getting very very lost and I also lost this "special card" I needed to open up the locker. I asked where the woman's locker was and i got very specific directions which made me feel like the biggest loser ever. People where walking by and giving me all these strange looks. I was so distracted by the people that were gettin all up in my business that I didn't catch a thing the guy told me. So, I found my own way (thankfully). As I was walking down a flight of stairs that led to the locker rooms a man came out of the mens lc, and there, right in front of my face was a naked man. Out of complete surprise I walked right into a lady. "Welllll thennnnn" I shouted as I walked away quickly, completely unaware at how loud I had been.
On my way back up the flight of stairs I looked back and noticed that every time someone came out of the of the locker rooms you were bombarded with images of parts that were supposed to be kept private. "I guess that doesn't apply in Germany" I thought...out loud. People defiantly think I am crazy.
When the class started everyone was in their perfect little places, well everyone except me. My mat was strewn in between the wall and a fairly large man. I was trapped. I had no idea what we where even doing. She asked us to stand... "ohhh great what have I gotten myself into." After about 10 seconds I stood up awkwardly and waited. She walked over to the stereo and turned some music on..."gettin better every second." Then she started doing these weird step and touch things. I am sorry but I am not into that kind of stuff AT ALL. I wanted to die. I just stood there and hoped that it would be over very soon and that we would just move onto something else. I figured that no one would notice... I was wrong. The teacher just looked at me and laughed and soon a few other people realized that she was laughing at me and joined in. When it was over I was very happy. The rest of the class wasn't to bad, but after every held pose she mad us stop and "Massiere deinen hinteren."(massage your ass) This was definatly not okay with me. I was not even going to think about massaging my ass. So while I waited I had to watch everyone else.
When I got home my mom asked me how the class went "umm...good?"

Week #1...actually only the first 2 days:)

I woke up at 6:30 am and started to finish packing. Everything was stressful, but I guess that was perfectly normal considering that I was moving to a different continent. After a hectic morning we all piled into the car. We left at 12:30 pm, giving ourselves quite a few hours to get to the airport. Our plane was leaving at 7:00 and I assumed that our little trip to LA would be pretty smooth sailing. But our family is cursed. Something has to go wrong, we are always late or cutting it frickin close! The whole ride I just staired out the window and tried to shut my ears so that I didn't have to listen to my brother and sister complain the whole way. It defiantly didn't make me feel any better when I would have to listen to Gretchen and Hartwin take turns saying "Yep! We are defiantly not going to make it!." I just thought about all the people that had helped me with this difficult transition. For all of you that are reading this... thank you so much for supporting me through this move. If i didn't have your support I would not have felt strong enough to do something like this.

I took pictures of all the things I knew I was going to miss. I tried to think about other things so that i wouldn't cry. I had defiantly done more than enough of that. I thought about Germany. I told myslef to be in the moment, don't think about the past and don't think about the future, I will be there soon enough. After being at Middle School for 4 years I think that I truly understand the phrase "time flies when your at SBMS, so try and get the most you can out of it." I am sure that is not exactly how the phrase goes, but it's something along those lines. I am not sure where all that time went, but I know where all that learning came from, I know what I learned and I won't ever forget. I remember last fall being so excited about my 9th grade year. When I came to school my very first day as a little 6th grader I knew I was staying for 9th grade. I went through so much, and I was very confused, but there was one thing I was always sure of.
I wanted to be a 9th grader at Santa Barbara Middle School and I wanted to make everyone proud. All these things flew through my mind, actually they lingered for a long time. All through the car ride and the 10 hour plane ride to Zurich, Switzerland.

I sat next to a boy just a year older than me. He told me that he was going to visit his grandparents in Zurich. He asked me what I would be doing in Zurich. I quickly corrected him, telling him that I would attending an all German school for a year. His face lit up almost immediately and he was filled with excitement. He made himself perfectly clear when he said "WOW you are going to have a great time! That is going to be a life changing experience!" at the top of his lungs. I tried to match his amount of excitement, but I think I failed because I was not nearly as loud as he was. With a MUCH QUIETER voice I said " thank you so much! Whenever I hear that it always makes me feel better."
I tried to get comfortable on the plane, but I soon accepted that this was an impossible feat. Just a few years earlier I was able to curl up into a little ball and fit perfectly in the seat. Now things are much different. I can't curl up into a ball at all, I cant even sit without having my knees forced into the seat in front of me. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of pain tall people have to deal with.

After we landed we quickly jumped onto our next flight to Berlin. I sat next to a 12 year old girl who was flying by herself (Suzanna). Without even thinking I started talking to her...in German! Whenever the flight attendant would come by I tried to think so something to ask for just so that I could speak German. Well this is surprising I thought, I didnt know that I had such a desire to speak. I actually enjoyed that flight. Suzanna taught me a few card games I didn't even know existed. We had a lot of fun talking about California, school, her family and summer vacation. I had know idea I could actually do it. Even though I had been taking lessons back in SB and speaking with my German teacher I was amazed that she could actually understand me!

When we landed in Berlin Katja (my cousin, now my guardian) was waiting for us. She greeted us with big welcoming hugs. We jumped into her big, cozy, brand new VW bus. As we drove through the city I looked at it in a way that I hadn't before. It wasn't just a cool summer vacation as it had been every other time. This time it was actually my home. When we got to the house I went straight to bed and slept until 11:30 am. When I woke up I was filled and excitement and the need to explore. My mom took Gretchen and Hartwin to do what they wanted to do and I got to get to know this city that was completely foreign to me. I was blown away at how beautiful it was. "...wait I am actually in a city??" There where old, perfectly happy German couples walking hand in hand, children playing together on beautiful grassy fields surrounded by cute little cafes, men and women in a hurry, there where so many things happening but the movement didn't make me feel dizzy or claustrophobic. I was happy, curious and thrilled all at once. "Holy shit...I live here, I live here, I live here."